Down the rabbit hole

I wish I was a more eloquent writer, but that’s not really in my job description. I think my blog writing abilities will improve over time, but for now it just feels like I have so many thoughts and no real good way of connecting the dots and making it all flow nicely. For that, I apologize. Oh well, I’m not gunning for blogger-of-the-year here, I just need to release my thoughts!

Today is CD4, Tuesday to everyone else. First dose of Clomid down the hatch. I felt like Alice in Wonderland when she drinks the magic potions to make herself shrink or grow until she was just right to fit through the door and continue on her way. Please make my ovaries work just right.

It’s been a busy few weeks, which has been good to somewhat (not really) keep my mind occupied with non-infertility related activities. We rowed in a boat race a few weekends ago, football season started, and we went down to visit my parents & a friend’s bridal shower.

It was really good to see my friends and my mom (dad was out of town for work). Of course I was asked multiple times about when we’re having kids – I just brushed it off because I didn’t want to be a Debbie downer in the middle of the shower and say “Actually, 40% of couples have trouble conceiving. If it were up to me, we’d have a baby already. Wha wha.” One of my friends just had a baby – 8 weeks old – and he is just so adorable. I held him for a little while, and soothed him when he started to fuss. I. Am. Ready. For. This. I can’t help but feel some why-her-and-not-me resentment. M and I have great jobs, we own a house, we are prepared (as much as you can be). But hey, biology doesn’t take that in to consideration. Mufasa.

It was really good to see my mom. The last time I saw her was this past May. I’ll let y’all in on a secret – my mom has early on-set dementia/Alzheimer’s disease. This along with endo runs in the family, so I’ve got that going for me. My mom’s health, along with my infertility, has made for a tough year and a half. Both are really difficult to talk about without bawling, and I hate crying in front of people. Thus, I haven’t told many friends about either of these major life happenings.

I’ve been having some stomach pains at the beginning of last week and again yesterday & today. I’m wondering if I have an ulcer, or I’m just a little bit of a hypochondriac. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes, and then I’ll make an appointment with my doc.

This weekend will be busy, which I’m looking forward to. Walk to End Alzheimer’s, checking out some blown-glass pumpkins, football, conference presentation prep, maybe beach. I’m debating just announcing on FB that I’m walking for my late grandfather and my mom, but we’ll see…. I am super excited about the glass pumpkins; cannot wait to get do a little fall decorating!

Vicious Cycle

It’s been a while since my last post. It’s been a hard couple of weeks. I met my RE last week, and I was really looking excited about our first meeting for some season. It’s good to know that we have a plan, but it really isn’t anything I wasn’t already expecting. I don’t know what I was hoping for this meeting to be, but I just felt disappointed.

So here’s our plan: next CD3 (which was this past Wednesday) I go in for baseline blood work and a transvaginal ultrasound. If everything looks good, I’ll start Clomid with a hcG trigger the next cycle. We’ll try 3-4 rounds of Clomid, and if I’m still not pregnant then it’s laparoscopy time to see if I have endo. And then we’ll reassess.

The ultrasound was pretty trippy. I’ve never had an ultrasound before. I can see how amazing it must be to see your baby for the first time on an ultrasound. The nurse took measurements of my uterus, endometrial lining, ovaries, and follicles. I haven’t gotten the report back yet so I don’t know if my lady bits are “normal”, but I’m happy that at least I have ovaries and follicles. At least I have that going for me.

So now we wait. This process involves so much waiting and not know while we wait. Hopefully the Clomid works. My RE said the hardest part of this process is seeing how much disappointment your heart can take. Honestly, I don’t know how couples try for years and years. The past year has been really difficult and we’re only just getting started.